Monday, June 19, 2006
The girl had a long term relationship come to an end around the same time things were coming to close for N and me. She had a few drinks with her ex, J, on Thursday for his birthday. He talked about the girl he's dating now and asked about me. She told him about this blog and gave him the address. "I just thought he would like it."
This sort of surprised me. Not that I mind J reading it, but I know this weird blog, and the fact that I tend to write about the bad more than the good, must frustrate her. She's better about it than most people would be, but the picture of N and I about to kiss certainly made her sad. "Sometimes I hate your blog," she said, "But it's also, in a way, part of how I fell in love with you."
J read the blog and wrote the girl that it was a strangely voyeuristic experience but that he liked what he read and he thought I seemed like the kind of guy he would enjoy talking to. "I've always said you have good taste in men," he wrote. I can imagine myself making that same joke.
People ask me if N knows about this blog. I say, "I don't know." I haven't heard from her since before I found out she was diagnosed with MS. I've thought about e-mailing her recently, not to prod her into a response, but just to let her know I'm still doing well. I don't want it to seem like just more material for the blog, though, so I've decided to wait a bit.
When people ask me if I think N knows about the blog I also say, "I doubt. I really doubt it." They seem dubious that she wouldn't have googled me in all this time, but I know her better than they do. She took everything that might remind her of me and put it in a shoebox, and put that shoebox in her closet. But she'll keep that shoebox, just like she kept the shoeboxes for her other ex-boyfriends (most of them, oddly, named J).
I keep a lot of junk, a lot of it literally trash, but I don't have any shoeboxes. I looked for one today. Young didn't have one either.
Okay, wait for it... I guess this is my shoebox. One than I'm very close to putting the lid on and stowing away.
Someday, if N does see this, I hope it doesn't upset her too much. And I hope it makes her think that I seem like a guy she wouldn't mind talking to.
heart break...oh boy it sucks.
thanks for letting us into your healing.